The Biggest Challenge

6.4.2017

Somehow I love challenges and very often I take the biggest challenge for myself and later I realize that it's too much and I can't handle it. Well, eventually I succeed with my challenges and become stronger and feel so good about myself. There are also times that I want some things to go easier but very often I find myself in front of a big challenge. In this case, I mean my baby girl.

I would have punched the person who would have said me four months ago that everything gets easier with your baby when she grows older (and many did..). At that time those kinds of comments didn't help me at all. Short nights and fussy baby during the day who didn't nap longer than 45 minutes was heavy for me. Nevertheless, I feel so good about myself that I survived. I didn't want to do what would have been the easiest to do, just because I am not like that. I have mentioned many times how I was thinking that I know "everything" about babies and know how to raise well-behaved kids, and I was thinking that I will be a perfect mom. I have learned my lesson and my feet got back to the ground in the very first month after I gave birth to our daughter. I wasn't perfect, not even close. I was disappointed with myself when I didn't know how to take care of my own baby. When our neighbors or some relatives were asking how is the motherhood and how is it going with the baby, I wanted to be honest, and every time I said that it is quite heavy because she is crying quite a lot. Every time the respond was that "yeah, well, babies cry". Really?? Then I had to add to that "yeah, but she's crying a lot, and doesn't sleep very much." And the respond was "time goes so fast, just wait and she is walking on her own and going to school, enjoy your time with the baby now!" I got so angry. After those kinds of comments, I felt that did I do enough? Do I do something wrong? Now I know that I did everything that I could. I was doing my best. Now when I look back that time I feel so relieved and I'm proud of myself how I survived from that time. And I know now that not all babies cry all the time. There is always a reason why a baby cries. Sometimes you just can't find the reason.

She is my baby doll 😁

It is hard to remember that time very clear and it feels that it happened a long time ago. Now I understand the comments that "time goes so fast" and "soon you will be annoyed when your baby girl wants to touch everything and is crawling everywhere". At that time when I was suffering my shoulder pain because of all the carrying with a colicky baby, that sounded so much easier. Only if my baby would give me a little break that I wouldn't need to carry her all the time. Now she's the happiest baby on the planet. She's exploring her world and touching everywhere. Just recently she started to stand up on her own and now the only thing she wants to do is to stand up on her feet. Every day I fell in love with her again.

Since I was a child, I wanted to be a mom. I took care of my dolls and pretending to be a mom. I always wanted four kids. I don't know why. I have two older siblings and felt left alone ever since I grew as an adult. I remember asking my mom could she get pregnant again, I wanted to have a little brother. I didn't want to be the youngest, I wanted someone to play with since I was too young for my sister and brother. I guess that is the reason why I always wanted to have four children so no one would feel left alone. I remember when we started dating with my husband that the very first day of I told him that I want to have four children and I have names already for them. At the same time, I realized and said to him that maybe we have to think about the names again since they were very Finnish and hard to pronounce for my husband. I never thought to marry a foreign guy😀! Now I have changed my mind about a number of children. I can barely handle one child! Every time when I see moms with more than two kids I look at them and think "how do they do that?!". At the same time, I am disappointed with myself how come I can't be like that? Don't get me wrong, again I love being a mom and I wouldn't change this time for anything else, but being a mom has always been my biggest dream and I have to learn it through the hardest way. Now I enjoy so much being a mom and I am so proud of my little princess who is charming everyone where we go. She has the cutest toothless smile and she is so curious about everything and is very calm. Totally different girl than a few months ago. Now she sleeps like an angel, long naps. Of course every now and then she is moody, but that's normal.

The number of the kids has been a hard topic for me. We discuss that with my husband quite a lot. I have this obsession to have four children because it has been my dream but finally, I can admit to myself that I am not that kind, it is too much. It is such a relief to admit and realize that it has been an obsession for me to have plenty of kids and understand that what are my abilities to handle things. I have to be gracious for myself so I can enjoy my life fully. I like it like this. For now, this is good. Let the future take care of itself.

In the meantime, if you are struggling with a newborn right now, hang in there sister, I feel you! I won't give any "wise words" because that just feels annoying, I just want to say, that I understand you. You don't need to be strong, you can cry along the baby. That's what I did when I couldn't handle the baby's crying anymore and didn't know what to do when my husband wasn't at home to help me. And those moms who have more than two kids, I admire you, seriously! I just can't stop thinking "how do you do that?" (in the kindest way possible of course!).

Give a Little Mercy to Yourself

I have always thought that because I love cooking/baking, I have to like throwing parties as well. I have forced myself to like it and pretended that it's fun. I have never thrown a party for myself. My mom and my sister love planning parties, so I thought that I need to love it too. But just recently I have realized that I don't like it. It's too much stress and planning. Yes, I love cooking and baking, but just for a small amount at a time. Every time when someone says that I have to throw a party I freak out. I don't like inviting a bunch of people because I feel like I can't enjoy that time because I have to host so many people at the same time. I love having guests, but just a few people at a time.

I would want to be that kind of person who enjoys throwing parties but it's a relief to finally admit that to myself that I'm just not that kind and it's okay. My husband is this very American person who enjoys having people over and hosting and there are not that many times that he wants to do something on his own. He loves parties and wants to encourage me to host as well. I am the opposite. I'm very Finnish. That's an opposite itself already but to open it up a little bit, I'm quite shy and I like privacy and my own space. In Finland, there's not a thing called "awkward silence". We can be a group of people and be silent at times and it's not awkward. I know that sounds really weird for a non-Finn, but silence and privacy are quite important things for Finns. During this two years that we've been married, my husband has taught me hospitality. I admire American hospitality and I've wanted to learn to be a good host but it has been really difficult because it's something that it's out of my comfort zone. My husband has been a very good teacher and been very encouraging and patient with me. Now I can say that I'm doing so much better.

Still, I'm freaking out a little bit if I need to cook for more than two or three people. I don't know why, but I think it's because it's hard for me to be in charge of the whole situation. I'm afraid that people won't enjoy their time or there will be this awkwardness. I would like to learn out of that. My husband is so natural with people, for me it's not that natural. He loves inviting people for lunch or dinner. Every time when he meets a new person, he wants to invite that person for a dinner and I freak out. I don't even know this person!! Yeah, well that's how you get to know that person, he usually responds to me. For a (shy) Finn that is not normal to have people over for dinner who are strangers. In Finland, it is very common that you get to know someone first quite good until you invite them over. A home is a private and comfortable place where you can relax and be yourself. Finns need to gain the person's trust first before they can share their comfortable and private home. This is something where I'm very Finn and I would like to grow out of. Well, I'm learning. Thanks to my loving husband who makes friends everywhere where he goes.

My husband and I love to travel and getting to know different cultures. My husband has been studying Finnish and his class is full of people from different cultures. I have had many friends all over the world and I'm used to different cultures. Sometimes even for me, it is even easier to get to know foreigners in Finland than Finns. That's because foreigners talk, Finns need to gain the trust first until they let you come closer, but when you have gained the trust, Finns are your loyal friends forever. The people who are used to foreigners and know different cultures they are more friendly and easier to get to know. Here is very common not to know your neighbor.

We got lucky when we moved to our current apartment. We enjoy our neighborhood and we have got to know our neighbors. Mostly, thanks to my husband. When we moved he wanted to invite everyone for coffee and introduced himself to every neighbor who he saw. To me, that was a little bit embarrassing, because I'm not used to that. You get to know your neighbors later if you get lucky. If he sees some of our neighbor who he knows already he is in a rush to go to talk to them. I am the opposite, I try not to notice them if I'm not in a social mood. But I've realized how important and nice it is to get to know your neighbors. We have got good friends from our neighbors and we do stuff with them. We help each other and invite each other to do sports or just hang out. That is totally new to me and I enjoy that. Little American comes out of me slowly. Life is fun and sometimes challenging living in two cultures.