Somehow I love challenges and very often I take the biggest challenge for myself and later I realize that it's too much and I can't handle it. Well, eventually I succeed with my challenges and become stronger and feel so good about myself. There are also times that I want some things to go easier but very often I find myself in front of a big challenge. In this case, I mean my baby girl.
I would have punched the person who would have said me four months ago that everything gets easier with your baby when she grows older (and many did..). At that time those kinds of comments didn't help me at all. Short nights and fussy baby during the day who didn't nap longer than 45 minutes was heavy for me. Nevertheless, I feel so good about myself that I survived. I didn't want to do what would have been the easiest to do, just because I am not like that. I have mentioned many times how I was thinking that I know "everything" about babies and know how to raise well-behaved kids, and I was thinking that I will be a perfect mom. I have learned my lesson and my feet got back to the ground in the very first month after I gave birth to our daughter. I wasn't perfect, not even close. I was disappointed with myself when I didn't know how to take care of my own baby. When our neighbors or some relatives were asking how is the motherhood and how is it going with the baby, I wanted to be honest, and every time I said that it is quite heavy because she is crying quite a lot. Every time the respond was that "yeah, well, babies cry". Really?? Then I had to add to that "yeah, but she's crying a lot, and doesn't sleep very much." And the respond was "time goes so fast, just wait and she is walking on her own and going to school, enjoy your time with the baby now!" I got so angry. After those kinds of comments, I felt that did I do enough? Do I do something wrong? Now I know that I did everything that I could. I was doing my best. Now when I look back that time I feel so relieved and I'm proud of myself how I survived from that time. And I know now that not all babies cry all the time. There is always a reason why a baby cries. Sometimes you just can't find the reason.
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| She is my baby doll 😁 |
Since I was a child, I wanted to be a mom. I took care of my dolls and pretending to be a mom. I always wanted four kids. I don't know why. I have two older siblings and felt left alone ever since I grew as an adult. I remember asking my mom could she get pregnant again, I wanted to have a little brother. I didn't want to be the youngest, I wanted someone to play with since I was too young for my sister and brother. I guess that is the reason why I always wanted to have four children so no one would feel left alone. I remember when we started dating with my husband that the very first day of I told him that I want to have four children and I have names already for them. At the same time, I realized and said to him that maybe we have to think about the names again since they were very Finnish and hard to pronounce for my husband. I never thought to marry a foreign guy😀! Now I have changed my mind about a number of children. I can barely handle one child! Every time when I see moms with more than two kids I look at them and think "how do they do that?!". At the same time, I am disappointed with myself how come I can't be like that? Don't get me wrong, again I love being a mom and I wouldn't change this time for anything else, but being a mom has always been my biggest dream and I have to learn it through the hardest way. Now I enjoy so much being a mom and I am so proud of my little princess who is charming everyone where we go. She has the cutest toothless smile and she is so curious about everything and is very calm. Totally different girl than a few months ago. Now she sleeps like an angel, long naps. Of course every now and then she is moody, but that's normal.
The number of the kids has been a hard topic for me. We discuss that with my husband quite a lot. I have this obsession to have four children because it has been my dream but finally, I can admit to myself that I am not that kind, it is too much. It is such a relief to admit and realize that it has been an obsession for me to have plenty of kids and understand that what are my abilities to handle things. I have to be gracious for myself so I can enjoy my life fully. I like it like this. For now, this is good. Let the future take care of itself.
In the meantime, if you are struggling with a newborn right now, hang in there sister, I feel you! I won't give any "wise words" because that just feels annoying, I just want to say, that I understand you. You don't need to be strong, you can cry along the baby. That's what I did when I couldn't handle the baby's crying anymore and didn't know what to do when my husband wasn't at home to help me. And those moms who have more than two kids, I admire you, seriously! I just can't stop thinking "how do you do that?" (in the kindest way possible of course!).
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